Ngan in Cambridge

I am leaving Cambridge in a few weeks. This time to a place even more familiar than anywhere else in America. I'll be teaching economics at Bates. I am going back to Maine.

I bet it won't feel like home. Ten years ago it was a different me, and Maine was the first taste of America. This past few days I was looking for The Art of Coming Home for Lam. It isn't an easy transition for anyone, and my little brother is having a little hard time finding his inner peace. Sometimes when I make ramen noodles in this tiny little kitchen, I wish he could be here, so we can squeeze in here together; he is the chef, while I clean, and I wash. Not that I need a good meal. But I know some people love to take complete, special care for their loved ones. Too much care sometimes you can't breath. I guess freedom lovers won't like that :-), but any genius who would not need a family?

I will miss Cambridge. And the days I rushed home for dinner, even if it was a eat-out, even if it was a home meal far from perfect. And I will miss the Brattle Florist where I have skipped so many lunches just for those lilies, but always ended up with while and yellow daisies because they are equally pretty and only $6 a bunch while lilies are $4 a stem. And the yummy Cambridge One, number five, any number but not number one. I will miss a man playing the most beautiful guitar on Harvard Square. And I will miss the window on the third floor of Coop Bookstore overlooking the station, where I can see the longing faces of those who are waiting, and the rushing faces of those who always come late. So many years here on Harvard Square, I was always the one waiting.

I will miss most the leafy trees in front of Au Bon Pain. This is probably the most peaceful place in America. Because you can always be here alone without feeling lonely. Because so many Cambridge friends I made, I have sat down at least once with them under these leafy trees. Or maybe because of Matt Damon and Good Will Hunting. Three years or seven years, time is only relative, as long as you are good will hunting.

At least I am very excited about teaching, or surrounded by people who love to teach. I will teach my children how to sing and how to dance, how to love and how to give. Let's start from a utility function U. Give it some consumption to enjoy and some leisure time for the ones you love. Make time for the ones you love before they go away.

Sáng nay ngủ dậy trẻ con đã đi vắng hết cả. Nhà vắng tanh. Dọn dẹp cả ngày xong thì nhà lại càng sạch sẽ trống trơn. Chỉ mới hôm kia thôi đi làm về thấy mấy thằng vừa ngủ dậy vứt xương gà lăn lóc trong bếp chỉ muốn cho mỗi thằng một gậy. Bây giờ thì không còn ai để quát tháo đánh nhau nữa rồi.

Thằng Lâm giờ này sắp về đến Hà Nội. Hy vọng là nó về Việt Nam không bị bố mẹ và xã hội bắt nạt. Xã hội bây giờ phức tạp ghê lắm. Mà nó lại là một người tốt. Năm năm vừa rồi có nó ở bên này thật là vui, mặc dù chỉ khi nào nó get into trouble thi nó mới alô hoặc mò về với chị Ngân. Nhưng nó cũng là thằng duy nhất đang bận phá đảo cũng sẵn sàng bỏ máy xuống mở bia cho chị Ngân, sáng ngủ dậy fill up chai nước lọc chị uống dở tối qua rồi cho vào tủ lạnh cho lạnh vì chị Ngân không bao giờ uống nước lọc không lạnh, sẵn sàng cọ bếp nấu nướng đổ rác đóng đinh dọn buồng tắm và làm món thịt bò sốt vang dài 5 tiếng cho chị Ngân. Nói chung là ngoài bố mình ra thì chả có ai nghe lời mình bằng thằng Lâm.

Làm chị khó phết. Khó nhất là cái đoạn nó lớn lên rồi và bắt đầu để ý đến một lũ con gái xung quanh. Phải nói thật là hôm Thanksgiving, hôm tốt nghiệp, hay bất kể hôm nào nó có vài đứa con gái xung quanh là mình lại nghĩ là mẹ, lẽ ra mình phải là người phụ nữ duy nhất trong đời nó, chả hiểu cái lũ kia ở đâu ra đâu ra? Nhân tiện phái nói luôn upfront ở đây là bất kể đứa con gái nào sau này nó mang về mình cũng nghĩ là con bé đấy not good enough. Trừ khi nó giống y hệt chị Ngân (which is rare) may ra mình nhẹ tay với nó. Nhưng tóm lại là nếu pick bất kỳ người chị nào trên đời thì dù là bà đó có mắng thằng em tơi tả thế nào thì bà ấy vẫn tin chắc rằng con gái trên đời đứa nào lấy được thằng em mình vẫn là đứa lucky nhất thế giới.

Thằng Lâm có thể đang thở phào trên máy bay là nó vừa thoát nạn. Thằng Huy cũng vừa đi nốt mất rồi. Năm vừa rồi có nó ở đây thật là vui. Thằng Huy ngoan dã man, suốt ngày mua hoa cho chị Ngân, nhìn thấy chị Ngân nấu món gì nó cũng kêu là "đỉnh cao," kể cả là đun nước sôi để nấu mì (trong khi lettuce chicken wrap của PF Chang's ngon như thế thì nó kêu là bình thường.) Thằng Huy vừa là máy rửa bát (tự động không phải lườm), vừa là trung tâm giải trí chuyên tóm tắt các thông tin lá cải từ Google mua Yahoo cho đến Chị Vy hãy vứt bỏ tình yêu tội lỗi cho đến tất cả mọi thứ có thể tìm được trên mạng. Chị Ngân thỉnh thoảng bận quá hoặc mải nấu nướng cho người khác bỏ bê nó nó cũng không kêu ca một lời lẳng lặng 8 giờ sáng lên giường đi ngủ, 8 giờ tối lại sang Lamont luyện công.

Bây giờ thì mỗi đứa một nơi. Chị Ngân đang giặt 3 thùng quần áo mùa đông, thế mà chẳng có ai bê xuống cho mình cả. Mà lại còn 65 phút nữa mới khô, chẳng có ai chơi với mình đành phải ngồi viết lăng nhăng vậy. Giá mà có một con cá giống hệt con Nemo thì tốt. Lẽ ra bây giờ có thể cho cá ăn. Vừa làm research vừa cho cá ăn thật là thích.

Adult Family: my husband, John [Cochrane], and our four children (two boys and two girls). We have a Portuguese Water Dog who looks just like me -- that is, curly black hair, short, always smiling.

Graduate School: The University of Chicago Graduate School of Business. I have an MBA, and a PhD in Economics and Finance. As you can see, I'm highly qualified to write children's books.

My home office: my favorite place in our house. I watch airplanes, birds, and clouds through the skylights. Sometimes I write books.

My husband's home office: we call this the "squirrely desk," because it's so small he has to type like a squirrel.

Keep in mind... that John's job feeds us, clothes us, and houses us, whereas mine just provides interesting cocktail party conversations.

When did you start writing children's books?

I wrote my first manuscript in 1989 when my daughter was 8 months old. It was a picture-book called Whose Face is This? I illustrated it and made a bound mock-up of it. I was supposed to be writing my dissertation and studying for exams, but soon I was secretly writing and illustrating lots of picture books, because it was more fun. I felt guilty that I wasn't doing my schoolwork. Over time, the picture-book manuscripts got longer and my ideas got more complicated, so I started writing a novel and I stopped illustrating. Finally I had to force myself to put it all away for six months to finish my dissertation. When I graduated I told my husband I didn't want to go on the job market and have a real (read: paying) job, I wanted to try to write children's books instead. I still can't believe he said "Fine, honey." He's the best.

đã bao giờ em bóc lịch
thấy qua vô nghĩa một ngày
rồi em ghi vào nhật ký:
...ngày mai như ngày hôm nay...

đã bao giờ em hoảng hốt
khi mình bất lực trước mình
và em thấy trong đôi mắt
có gì ứa ra
vô hình

nếu có xin em đừng sợ
thật ra là rất bình thường
tất cả chúng ta đều thế
mỗi khi cần được yêu thương

Thật ra, việc khó nhất trên đời này không phải là chứng minh 10 là một số nguyên cô đơn. Số nguyên cô đơn là một số nguyên không có bạn. Chẳng hạn, 24 và 91963648 là một đôi bạn. Để trở thành bạn, các chú số nguyên phải trải qua nhiều thử thách, chẳng hạn như là phải làm sao hàm số chia của đôi bạn là bất kể mưa gió sống chết thế nào cũng phải bằng hệt nhau. [1]

Có lẽ việc khó nhất trên đời cũng chẳng phải là đi tìm chân lý cuộc sống. Mít Đặc tin chắc thế nào sang sông chú cũng tìm ra cái gì đó hay ho. Chẳng phải chú Biết Tuốt đọc sách giáo khoa suốt ngày đã rao giảng rằng chân lý cuộc sống chẳng qua là hạnh phúc, mà hạnh phúc không phải là cái đích mà đích thị là ở con đường. Vậy thì cứ sang sông chẳng phải là đi quá nhiều đường, quá nhiều hạnh phúc rồi đấy sao.

Thật ra Mít Đặc có nghĩ đến chuyện mua xe. Không phải để có con Matiz đua với bạn bè. Cũng không phải để khoe khoang tài nghệ đỗ xe song song. Mà sâu xa hơn thế, là để đi thật nhiều đường, chả cần tốt nghiệp, chả cần lên lương, cứ đi lòng vòng loanh quanh kiếm thật nhiều hạnh phúc.

Thực tế bây giờ, điều khó nhất là làm sao thoát nạn được khỏi tay Xun Xoe dở hơi ăn cám lợn này. Nói một cách tổng quát hơn thì điều thảm nhất trên đời không phải là làm được một việc khó mà là phải làm cái việc mình ghét và chơi với cái thằng mình không ưa. Oái oăm là ở chỗ, thường thì để được làm cái mình thích với những người mình hâm mộ thì lại phải làm những cái linh ta linh tinh với những thằng vớ va vớ vẩn.

Mít Đặc đã nghĩ đến cách lờ tịt Xun Xoe đi rồi đi thẳng. Lờ tịt là một biện pháp rất tốt, bởi vì challenge only comes to those who care. Nhưng trong trường hợp của Mít Đặc thì cách này không hữu hiệu, bởi vì bản chất Mít Đặc là một người tốt, lo lắng đến đủ loại vấn đề xã hội cho đủ loại người, chỉ tội thiếu hiểu biết thế nên sự nghiệp mới không ra gì. Dù thế nào, Mít Đặc cũng không thể phủi tay mặc kệ Xun Xoe được.

Cách thứ hai là đầu hàng, cho Xun Xoe đi theo. Đầu hàng hay nhượng bộ là biện pháp xử lý tốt trong trường hợp mình chả thích phải cãi nhau với thằng nào. Mít Đặc tuy dốt, nhưng được cái có chí khí. Đầu hàng không phải là lựa chọn. Thế thì quá bằng a dua xã hội lấy vợ cho xong chuyện.

- “Tớ phải sang sông trồng cây. Nhưng phải có visa mới sang bên kia sông được.”

- “Làm thế nào để xin được visa?,” Xun Xoe lăn tăn làn tóc mai xun xun cánh mũi lim dim đưa mắt nhìn Mít Đặc tò mò hỏi.

- “À, đơn giản thôi. Cậu google ra đại sứ quán Việt Nam, đọc 500 trang PDF hướng dẫn, gửi $50 bằng money order, có kèm 30 đơn dán sẵn 30 ảnh trắng đen đầu xịt gôm mắt trợn ngược, gửi cho sứ quán thêm một phong bì có ghi tên chính mình, và đợi 9 tháng 10 ngày, thế nào cũng nhận được.”

Xun Xoe vốn là người tốt, có đức mà không có tài, nên hiểu những vấn đề này rất nhanh.

- “Ồ tớ hiểu rồi. Bây giờ tớ phải đi ị. Chúc cậu lên đường may mắn nhé. Gặp ai nổi tiếng nhớ xin cho tớ chữ ký đấy.”

Và thế là Mít Đặc thoát khỏi Xun Xoe, lăng xăng hiên ngang tiến về hướng bờ sông bắt đầu cuộc hành trình đi tìm chân lý của chính mình.

[1] Để hiểu rõ hơn về số nguyên cô đơn và khảng khái khẳng định sự rách việc của mình bạn đọc có thể thoải mái tìm đọc thêm về solitary number thế nào cũng hiểu.

My last year in college. 55 million things going on. Turning 22. Mong ước gì cho năm nay? Mong ước gì nhất trong đoạn đường 4-5 năm tới?

Tôi mong bọn Bates sẽ nhận thằng Lâm – có lẽ nếu chỉ cho tôi một điều ước trong năm tới thôi tôi sẽ chọn điều đó. Nó yên ổn rồi tôi sẽ bắt đầu có thể lo cho mình. Tôi tin tưởng nhiều, nhưng cũng thấp thỏm không kém - thằng Lâm không phải là địch thủ của mấy đứa kia, mặc dù tôi biết là nó qualified as a person more than nhiều nhiều đứa.

Tôi mong một trường cao học sẽ nhận tôi, với đủ hỗ trợ về kinh tế. Tôi thật sự không biết phải làm gì giữa đi học và đi làm. Mấy offers của tôi rất tốt. Trong khi mấy trường tôi nộp quá khó – tôi không mơ vào được trường nào trong số đó với GRE phọt phẹt thế này. Tôi cũng nóng lòng không kém về chuyện được lo cho bố mẹ nhiều và sớm hơn. Nhớ mùa hè đầu tiên về nhà không Ngân? Mẹ chẳng bao giờ mua quần áo mới cho mình và đồ đạc trong nhà chẳng có gì thay đổi. Tôi đã thề là sẽ quên cái PhD đi và lo cho bố mẹ một quả nhà Hồ Tây đấy sao? Cụ và bà nữa. Còn bao nhiêu năm nữa tôi được ở bên cạnh họ? PhD rồi thì sao? Commitment 6 năm cuộc đời, xong rồi làm gì – có nhiều quá không tôi? Nhất là đối với tôi, gia đình quan trọng nhất.

Điều thứ ba tôi không thể không nghĩ đến anh. Mặc dù officially với lòng thì câu chuyện đã over rồi. Tôi mong anh vào Harvard. Bởi vì chỉ có Harvard mới làm anh turn down Chicago thôi. Vào Chicago sẽ kill anh mất. 2002, bốn năm rồi, cả hai đã không còn là trẻ con nữa. Tôi mong giữ lại những gì khỏe mạnh nhất. Tôi mong anh biết rằng có thể tôi sẽ vẫn nghĩ về anh, hỏi thăm tin tức từ rất xa và đến tận rất lâu, nhưng tôi muốn có một kết thúc definite. Câu chuyện đã dài rồi. Tôi phải move on.

Tôi mong hai theses của tôi sẽ có hình có dạng, có một chút ý nghĩa. Tôi mong những ngày cuối cùng ở Bates sẽ có ý nghĩa thật nhiều trong cuộc đời tôi. Tất cả những điều tốt đẹp nhất, tôi mong cho bố mẹ, cụ và bà, gia đình và bạn bè.

Turned out, Lam didn’t get to Bates or Cornerstone, and the world was still perfect. He graduated, got a job, made many, many good friends, and fell in love. It was a lot of fun yelling at him. I know it isn’t fun having a sister who casts a shadow and yells, but all the places he has been to had none of my touch. He did it all himself, and that is the best job I have done.

My friend didn’t get to Harvard or Chicago. He left America and a career in academia for something else that must have been, for him, a better path. All the years after, I didn’t have a tiny little thought or a single temptation to ask after him, not because I tried, for that more information decreased welfare, but simply there was no desire, no intention. When we were young, the world was big and many things were impossible. Just when we grow a tiny bit older and know a tiny bit more about what we want, it is very easy to part ways with people who we don’t share many or any values and life goals with.

I ended up in Chicago, even with that kind of GRE, with enough funding that let me turn down all other options. Chicago was a wonderful time. For one, I met wonderful teachers and friends. For a better reason, economics drove me nuts. After Chicago, there hasn't been anything I enjoy more than those conversations about economics, and people doing economics. All of the excitement, curiosity, and even the courage to stay in touch with academia when I learn more about my limitations, I owe much to Chicago.

I spent the past two years in the workforce of America's private sector. Cornerstone was just equally wonderful. For one, I made wonderful friends. For another reason, it helps me learn my taste. There are perfectly fine people and places around - we only need to learn which ones to let go, with sadness but not regret, with soft feelings but not sorrow, with so much learning and so many fond memories for the years to follow.

It would be very sad if I don't get to spend some more time at an academic place where I would be pushed to the limit. But it could be equally blessed. We only need to be extra active in learning economics if we are not in a traditional learning context. Economics is everywhere, and even though they are rare, it ought to be possible to find people who share the love.

Next five years, it feels great to delete many things out of our wish-list. Wishes for this new year wouldn't need to include Lam because he takes care of himself better than anyone else. The house on West Lake is permanently on hold because nobody needs it. Mom and Dad are on a long happy honeymoon so I wouldn't need to wish for them anything besides good health. Finally, no need to wish for the boys. They take pride in taking care of stuff themselves so my advice to young little girls, don't waste your wishes on boys, use them on shoes in stead.

Next five years, since we are still young, let's make it simple and ambitious. There are stuff I like to do and I wish I would find people who will pay to let me do them. There are people I like to be around and I wish I could find ways to be around them. Finally, there are stuff I hate to do and people I don't like to be around, let's wish I get paid a lot to be with them doing those stuff.

Sống đã lâu trong thành phố Hoa, Mít Đặc cũng cảm thấy buồn chán. Buồn chán đến mức chú chẳng buồn nấu ăn. Chằng có động cơ gì để nấu ăn. Chú đành nấu xôi mời hàng xóm sang ăn cho đỡ buồn qua ngày. Tiện thể, Mít Đặc muối thêm dưa bắp cải có điểm rau răm, là món ếch ^[^1] Hoa Lan của chú đã từng rất thích.

Mặc dù người ta gọi chú là Mít Đặc vì chú chẳng hiểu biết gì cả, nhưng cũng không hẳn là chú không biết mơ mộng.

Người bạn thân nhất củ Mít Đặc là chú Lặng Lẽ. Buổi chiều thứ tư, ăn xôi xong, Mít Đặc nhắn tin cho Lặng Lẽ rủ chú ra bờ sông Dưa Chuột ngắm chim trời bay về tổ.

Người ta gọi chú là Lặng Lẽ chính bởi vì chú thường lặng lẽ suy nghĩ mà không mấy khi cảm thấy cần chia sẻ những gì chú nghĩ. CEO của tập đoàn Yahoo!360 suýt tự tử mấy lần ngỡ tưởng phá sản vì thị trường không thể thành lập sau những lần khảo sát ở thành phố Hoa toàn vớ phải Lặng Lẽ làm đại diện.

Lặng Lẽ đưa đôi mắt xa xăm nhìn sang bên kia dòng sông, bụng nghĩ thầm, bên kia sông có bán súng cao su không nhỉ. Nhưng dĩ nhiên là không ai biết điều đó, vì Lặng Lẽ chẳng bao giờ đặt câu hỏi ra cho những người rách việc đi tìm câu trả lời. Ngược lại, mặc dù chẳng hiểu chân lý cuộc sống tròn hay méo, làm bằng nhựa hay có gắn đăng ten, Mít Đặc cảm thấy rất phấn khởi về dự định của chính mình.

- “Tớ sẽ thuê một chiếc Honda để chở chân lý cuộc sống về nếu tớ tìm thấy nó. Nếu Honda không đủ chỗ cho chân lý ngồi thì tớ nhắn tin để cậu gọi Bu Loong và Đinh Vít sang giúp tớ một tay nhé?”

Sáng sớm hôm sau Mít Đặc dậy sớm tất tả lên đường. Đang đi thẳng ra bờ sông thình lình Mít Đăc đâm sầm vào Xun Xoe. Xun Xoe là anh họ của Răng Sún, vốn là người đã không có mấy răng mà lại chơi rất thân với Nước Đường, nghiện món nước ngọt có ga nên sâu hết răng hàm trên đến răng hàm dưới, đến bác sỹ Thuốc Viên cũng phải bó tay. Nước Đường thì ngược lại cực ghét Xun Xoe vì những chuyện tiếu lâm của Xun Xoe cực kỳ vô duyên và nhạt như nước lã. Thú thực là Mít Đặc cũng chẳng ưa gì Xun Xoe. Không phải vì chú có thù hằn gì, nhất là vì Xun Xoe thật ra là người tốt, chỉ mỗi tội dốt, rất thích đoán mò, nói bừa, và đặc biệt thích loi choi xung quanh những người nổi tiếng như là Biết Tuốt. Tệ nhất là Xun Xoe vì ưa thành tích nên làm việc lúc nào cũng bằng phương pháp đối phó gây cảm tình chứ chẳng bao giờ chịu suy nghĩ lấy một chút đến hiệu quả và ý nghĩa của việc mình làm.

- “Hey Mít Đặc,” Xun Xoe vồn vã, “đi đâu nhanh quá ngã lộn cổ đau khổ con hà mã!” ^[2]

- “Ồ cây ư,” Xun Xoe xoắn xít. Mít Đặc bất giác quay đi ngửa mặt lên trời nghĩ ngợi xem phải nói tiếp câu gì với cậu Xun Xoe dở hơi ăn cám lợn này.

[1] Ếch tiếng Hán nghĩa là cổ si, hay còn gọi là người yêu cũ.

Ông nội đã già lắm rồi, già rồi nhưng vẫn còn rất đầu gấu. Mỗi lần ông nội bắt đầu nói thì thường không có thời gian hứng thú để nghe ai. Ông nói chuyện rất hăng, và nói chung chỉ có một chuyện, là phải đầu tư vào index fund, bởi vì, you can't beat the market.

Mấy hôm nay ông nội đang rất bận viết nốt cuốn sách về đầu tư chứng khoán ở Trung Quốc. Cực kỳ nguy hiểm, siêu nguy hiểm. Cách duy nhất có thể vòng vèo được là đầu tư một cách gián tiếp - chẳng hạn thịt gà rán Kentucky ở Mỹ chẳng ai ăn, nhưng cả nước Trung Quốc lại cực thích, thế nên mặc dù ở nhà chả ăn ai nhưng tăng trưởng hàng năm ở Trung Quốc là hơn 20%, bà con nên đầu tư và KFC Trung Quốc.

Turned out, women do come from Venus, and men from Mars. And we speak different languages. But that's how we fall in love. It takes just a little bit of similarity to understand one another, but a lot of differences, sometimes contrasts, to love each other.

We have just a few days left before saying good-bye. It is really not good-bye because there is no one or nothing that breaks us apart. We will just not be together. It is very simple and peaceful. Just like the seven years we have spent together. Behavioral theory says that after an event people don't remember the bad time no matter how long it lasts, they only remember the last times. To us, we only remember the best time. The best times were the last times.

Turned out, he did get an MBA, and a job, so did I. We never bought a house, never had the kitchen of dream, and never got married. We never got to the destination we have imagined when we were young. But we lived the journey - we hold hands in the kitchen, we kiss in front of the sink, we make breakfast with strawberry and wine, and we laugh and cry in failures and happiness.

I just made that up because that sounded romantic. What we had were far better. I had my temp job at an accounting firm, while he worked for a telecom company to use up the last hours of the OPT. We cooked our own meals, prepared lunchboxes, spared the little little things, just to save $3000 in six months, something I could have spent in two weeks if I were doing my own business. When I was angry I turned on and off the light until it broke and he had to climb up to change the light bulb. We fought in the morning and made love at night. We cried in the dark and laughed in the light. I have never understood how being together is more enough than ending up together. When I wake up next to him, it doesn't matter what tomorrow will be, if I am angry I will turn the light on and off again. Next to each other we feel there is a purpose and security. I feel safe.

In the middle of the perfect, we decide to let each other go. What is best for me does not have him in there. What is best for him cannot carry me too long in it. Sometimes, the best thing we can do for the person we love so dearly is to let him go. It is harder than doing the opposite.

Only a few days left till we say good-bye. I am still a woman in love. These last few days I spend a lot of time in the kitchen. Recently I have changed my major from making main dishes to the little things, a little more sophisticated than the appetizers, but definitely not full blown like the main courses. I figure, a perfect meal can be a steak with the Pomerol we saved from September, 2005 , or it can consist of infinitely many little things. Just like Judd's numerical analysis, any non-linear problem is made up of many linear problems - if we learn to solve the linear ones, we will solve any problems.

Please don't rush. Only a few days left till we say good-bye. I treasure nothing more than these moments we have tonight. Turn the lights down low. Make the world go slow. I am a woman in love. I want to live forever tonight.

I have fallen in love with another guy at HBS. His website is called, "Type the Title of Your Webpage Here." He won the Spelling Bee Prize at third grade, a prize he was so proud that he almost sent a supplement exhibit to go with his 12 page CV. He is the funniest professor I have ever known. Oh either on the phone or face to face, Paul Gompers cracks my heart.

A great thing about consulting is that you get to work with the top faculty from more than one place. And you get to see their reactions and cleverness in real time. Still an academic, but a professor doing something outside the school setting brings a whole new and fresh breeze into their conversations, any type of conversations, from getting your kids to pee, to market efficiency analysis. I like the funny guys, often, if not most of the time, those are the smartest. Because you can't be funny without being smart, even though you can be smart without being funny or interesting. But we don't have to worry about that because those are not our type.

I decided to delay my long trip to Vietnam, supposed to be for an indefinite amount of time, whatever that means, to stay on with where I am a little bit longer. It was a decision that took the longest time, at least affirmatively 5 months since last September. Partly because the Vietnam opportunity was an exciting one, partly because I was anxious for a move. But I am very happy with the decision to sail on here. Sometimes it is good to be at a place where everyone knows your name. Sometimes it is good to be at a place where you find peace. It doesn't have to be home.

A day here is very busy and exciting - I spend a good part of it on things I care about at work. If I pay the right attention, there is a lot of economics in it, which I love. There are about two people that I tremendously admire, the two who let and push me grow in a direction and at a speed I myself did not expect to fly. Those two have the intelligence and the skills that are worth living up to. Next to them, I just want to do the best. That feeling is the most rewarding.

I always consider myself not a finance guy. I still don't know much if not at all about it. But certain circumstances have led me to certain interactions with finance issues and finance people, most of them real-world finance academics. (The term "real-world" has been excessively used in the job market with too many different intentions - whenever you tell me you are interested in real-world issues you gotta be very careful about it, because it can quickly and completely reverse the image you are trying to paint, for better or worse.) Still, I think finance is not my thing, but it is very exciting (Vietnam is one fascinating context), because it can cover a significant chunk of truth related to saving, spending, interacting, and other living behaviors in the very micro level.

There is also a delicious part of market work that I spend a lot of time on during the day. I love being with my young fellow analysts. I think of my job as keeping them well trained, well fed, and well entertained. That is a lot to live for, and there is no agenda to accomplish. But each day there is always going to be something I could do to fill that favorite part of my work responsibility, especially training and coaching. I push training in the office really hard, partly because I love teaching, partly because never before have I appreciated the real use of training in these real contexts. And I love recruiting, at first analyst recruiting and now associate recruiting. The most wonderful thing I carry with me, I guess, is the feeling that there is not going to be just one thing or one person in life that would make you happy. It could be enough if you have once loved passionately, but don't fall in love too deeply that you don't see the alternatives. There are many, many ways to be happy.

"Trang Ngân yêu quý!

Cô đã nhận được thư của em rồi. Cô rất vui, sức khỏe của cô đã tốt lên nhiều và cô đã đi dạy. Khi nào về cô nhờ em mua cho cô thuốc sụn cá mập loại giống của thầy Việt Anh. Tết này về, cô có một kế hoạch này rất hay cho em. Cô có cậu con nuôi cao to đẹp trai chỉ tội hơi ít lời, không biết em có duyệt không..."

My letters must have arrived to Hanoi. I don't know how you feel when you find a hand-written letter or postcard in your mailbox, but whenever I have a pen and a notepad, and a little thought about sunshine, I write.

I wish Ms. Hanh stays well, with long and beautiful hair like this. My server is up and running, so I write.

English doesn't have a lot of stuff that makes emotional and physical sense, only once in a while. Pain in the butt came from the Latin root pain in the neck which is because our great Latino grandparents were reserved and shy about the things they touched so whenever they said neck it meant butt.

Pains in the butt are the worst if you are researchers because you have to sit all day, imagine, seriously, sitting all day with a pain in the butt.

Argh thật là không có gì thảm hơn là phải phỏng vấn hội bô lão. Phỏng vấn bọn bé bé và đọc college essays của bọn siêu bé đang hay bao nhiêu thì phỏng vấn bọn lớn lớn thảm bấy nhiêu nhất là hội đến từ các trường siêu to vì nhìn cv thấy chóng hết cả mặt mà vẫn chả có chuyện gì để hỏi đã thế lại còn phải đọc papers của hội đấy vừa chả hiểu gì vừa chả liên quan cái gì đến cái gì thật là cực hình không khác gì viết referee report mặc dù từ bé đến giờ đã phải viết cái nào đâu mà vẫn thấy đau hết cả mông thật đúng là pain in the butt thật là siêu thảm.

Trong lúc đau đớn không có kem vaseline nào xoa khỏi đấy, may quá gặp một em gái chép vội vàng bài này. Cuộc sống lại tươi mát như một dòng sông. Mặc dù ba mươi tuổi đến nơi mà vẫn mong được nhớ em như cái hồi hai lăm tuổi.

THƠ NHẮN NHỦ

Em cứ khóc đã đời đi em nhé
Bao buồn vui đổ lỗi tại tuổi mình
Lòng sẽ lại tinh khôi như nắng mới
Phía mưa mờ sẽ mọc một bình minh

Em cứ giận đã đời đi, thật đấy
Để người ta biết lỗi sẽ làm lành
Nếu sống mãi những ngày bình lặng quá
Thì cuộc đời chắc hẳn sẽ buồn tênh

Em cứ tiếc đã đời đi em nhé
Tháng ngày qua dẫu mãi không đi về
Tiếc để rồi sống hết mình hơn thế nữa
Xưa cũ là chốn thương mến chở che

Nào em cứ nhớ đã đời đi nhé
Thật vô tâm nếu quên lãng mọi điều
Rồi em sẽ thấy lòng mình hạnh phúc
Bởi có nhiều kỉ niệm để thương yêu

Và cứ khóc, cứ hờn mong, nhớ tiếc
Những buồn vui, những cảm xúc rất người
Hãy tin rằng ngày mai tha thiết lắm
Trái tim mình, hoa trái sẽ sinh sôi.

(chả biết của ai)

It feels a little better to see him and to be with him. Remember, big boys don't cry!

Some of my good friends are going to be on the market. Some stay on. Maybe the amount of pressure are equal for both groups. Oh I only wish I could share a bit, even a tiny bit, of the feelings. I wish I could do some cooking, I wish I could send a little courage, for the ones who go, and the ones who stay.

There isn't anything in the world like the Ph.D. It's already hard to get started, it's a lot harder to finish. The job market paper can grind down the sharpest minds, the strongest will, leaving everyone in doubt. The good thing is, after this, I promise you won't be so doubtful about anything, ever again.

Sam is one of the three, maybe four, smartest guys in my class. He would solve any math problem, wrote any program, set up any model, and have every intuition in the world that the professors may not even think of. And he explains these economic models to you passionately as if this is the most beautiful thing. I missed those days in the Reg, I sometimes sneaked into his group's cubical, just to hang out with Shuli, or see Sam solved Becker's household model on the board. (Gotta read his problem sets! The TAs often made copies of them to distribute to the class as the official solutions.) The great thing about those 20-page Becker killer problem sets was that, you never knew what the true answer was. So each time there were going to be more than one solution that thrilled the world. Sam's or Mo's were usually 4, mine were 1.25 out of 5. It was great!

Sam is not only very good at technical stuff, but also very good at writing, and very well spoken. I can't get enough of those guys who are good at math and great at writing. I've made friends with a few American during my time living in the United States, not so many would write and speak English, especially stuff with lots of wit and economics, as eloquently.

More than anything, Sam is the nicest person, unlike anything people say or hear about Chicago. He would sit down with me for half a day in NORC, fixing my tax form, after I did something stupid thanks to a Stokey's problem set due on April 15, 2003.

Kun-Ho is very very sweet and caring, and has taught me a lot of econometrics. The summer of 2004, we spent lots and lots of time studying in the Reg, I think we solved every core econometric exams since 1989. I feel thankful a great deal, I don't think any minute we spent was wasted. Kun-Ho and Chae Young had their baby son, little Ryan, just right after I left. Little Ryan is now already two years old. I still remember so well the day Kun Ho told me he talked to Chae Young for the first time on the bus going to school, first time falling in love. My Chicago economists can be truly romantic sometimes.

Speaking of study groups. Sometimes I don't understand the incentives of studying with people who are not as good as you, maybe just to feel better or have some fake sense of the where you are in the curve? I didn't see any reason in the world people at Chicago would like to study with me, I often contributed nothing. Yet all the time I was there, I was welcome in almost any study groups. It is wonderful to be at a place where everyone is better than you. I don't see any point going to a place where you are going to be one of the top.

Martin is really the economist of my style. I remember that day in the Reg, I was reviewing this A+ Townsend midterm, having no clue why the answer was such an answer, what the heck was idiosyncratic risk, and why the heck did we finish Mas-Colell Chapter 19 on the first macro class. The guy sitting across from me must find my face very amusing, and offered to come by to help. "Hi, this is my midterm," I was shocked. Geez, it's like seeing Matt Damon in real life!

Martin was always on the third floor in the Reg. Always thinking. Loves talking about economics. I used to hang out with "the second-years" a lot, Martin, Emil, Asmile, sometimes Ben, Atonu, sometimes Andy. Those tasteless lunches in, oh what is it called, the dining hall with food that poisoned students, ah Barlett, were so much fun because Emil and Martin always threw some economic jokes. I think we were all geeks. Martin isn't a mathematician, and never did those fancy math, is truly the kind of social economist, a real Becker student in all sense. He would stop me in the middle of the hallway, just to tell me this new idea for a midterm exam in the public policy school about rationing club entrance based on looks.

I can go on and on. I know there is a lot of pressure and stress. But go! Like what Garett told me, you have all you have, now just go, with pride and confidence.

January 1 is the deadline for many things. Editing college essays, healing relationships, finishing applications too. Very very busy. But life feels good.

The 1988s and 1989s are entering college. Don't be angry, don't worry. Adults have their own things but what you want is the most important thing in the world. Even if it's crazy, just do it. (Adults don't do crazy things, they are too calculating, that's why they are boring adults). Tell them what you want to tell them in the essays, and show off. I have very normal things to show off too, but that's all I have about me, and that's worth showing off. If you want to write what people want to hear, you will have the chances to do so when you apply to grad schools, or jobs.

The 1984s and 1985s are entering the labor force. Don't settle, this isn't the end. Work hard and have fun. Have safe sex too. It is ok to mourn over the broken love, but at some point, come on stand up and let go, there isn't enough time to waste on grief.

As I edited the last college essay, talked to little girls about their applications, talked to worrying parents about letting their children go abroad, and spent time with my brother during this uneasy Christmas season, I just realized how much I am becoming like Jim Hughes. That is a lot to hope for but it feels good. It feels good to be available when people need you. It feels good to be busy all the time, but still able to make time for people.

I am just as excited about 2007 as any other young people around me. The more I get to know them, the more I am thrilled and fascinated. Young people nowadays can do in a year what we adults did in four. Life is great!

The only problem is, people don't always realize what they have. Come on 84s and 89s, my 1980s fellows too, come on and shine. You should feel good about yourself. Do what makes you feel good. Be with people who make you feel good. Then write about what makes you feel good. Come on come on, there isn't enough time to not feel so good.

Here's my wish for the new year, be well, and feel good!

December 21, 2006
Thursday

Acemoglu and his buddies observed that countries closer to the technology frontier, measured by the ratio of a country's TFP for a certain industry and the group's maximum TFP for that industry, invest more in R&D. Moreover, if an industry approaches the world technology frontier faster, it becomes more R&D intensive. On the other hand, countries that are far away from the frontier only rely on their existing technology and human capital to maximize their investment.

Suppose you are working with a team producing an output. If it is already very good, you just want to make it better. If it is already sort of ok, you may not feel like trying very hard to improve it too much.

Similarly, if a project is far from being done, you just don't feel like getting started. There is so much to do so what is the point. During this early stage, the propensity to procrastinate is very high. Not because the project is not worth doing or it is not interesting, the further away you are from seeing the outcome, the less you want to get your hands into it.

Equivalently, during a review process - when you sit down with your team members, including peers and managers, to reflect on each other's performance - distance to frontier matters. If a coworker, or a manager, is far away from being great, you may give more general feedbacks, such as, "you did fine," or simply "you met my expectation." On the other hand, if someone is truly awesome and outstanding, you tend to be more critical, and eager to point out the many development areas he/she can improve, because you think your criticizing effort is worth it.

The cost of getting started, earning initial credentials, or being classified as the "good enough but can be better" group, is very high. If a product is closer to being perfect, it is much easier to get into a do-your-best flow and enjoy the improvement and polishing process. It may take a lot of work to start, it may need a lot of people to participate and contribute for a start, but it is important that we get out of that starting phase as quickly as possible so we can begin to plan on getting things done. If not, we are trapped in getting lots of important things started but could never finish, we will forever be mediocre and never be great, or worse, we will always get things done but never get the most awesome things done.

More and more research projects are becoming joint works, not only among scholars within the same university but also across national borders. The list of assistants, workshop participants, commenters, and referees in the acknowledgement section is getting longer. Clearly, what is presented in a paper is a tiny percentage of the background work that was done, the ideas pursued, and the meaningful, significant experiments attempted and failed.

The ability to get out of a start, get going, and get ready for a finish, is probably similar to what Acemoglu and his buddies called innovation-bases strategies, the ability to be selective in R&D investment. It is probably a question of planning and organization as much as one of ability. Lots of start-ups in Vietnam are using a minimum number of multitasking assistants and groundwork staff, while paying an extraordinary effort into hiring the best chief manager. A manager, no matter how great, is handicapped without truly outstanding assistants. Setting up the stage is at least as important as performing the show. There is a theory that quality outbeats quantity, but having a one man show is never going to be fun whether the man is Matt Damon or, ok, fine, Brad Pitt.

December 20, 2006
Tuesday

I was there

This time I flew to Phoenix, Arizona to see Ha. The whole family was there. Dad insisted on carrying my suitcase all the way, Mom was at home making sticky rice - the kind I cannot make using my electric cooker. All fathers in the world are the same, always want to do everything themselves, keep silent most of the time, give random thoughtful comments, and work nonstop. All mothers in the world are the same, talk nonstop, marry the kitchen, force her kids to eat and eat and eat some more. Even the brothers are the same too, all dying for their first love.

It was a few very special days for the family. Everyone got up since 5 am, dressing up. The flowers were too expensive, $25 for a dozen roses, but Mom decided we were going to get them no matter what. We went back and forth to find the best seats, so we could see Ha's face when she received the degree. Dad stood next to me when they sang the American national anthem. "My job is done." He told me how he brought the two of them up since when Minh was two and a half. I could not hold my tears, only he didn't see. Dad survived four wars to be here today, 25 years ago who would have expected this moment?

Nothing beats family in times of stress, unless family is the source of stress. I don't have much time left. We don't have much time left. Why do children have to grow up? Why can't we just be like this, together, forever. Why do the old have to get older, why can they just get old enough and stay there?

Only a few days left until 2007. Life is too busy and exciting, but truly simple if you don't calculate. Let's not bring up questions, only economists do that. Let's just love and love some more. 25 years from now, who is going to be with you for Christmas? Ah, I just said I won't ask. Let's (Sargent said always start a Bellman equation with a let) let my economists do the math. I am much better taking care of the background.

Hoàng Hà was here

It didn't seem a long time since I last saw her. We are just older with the things we do and the makeup we use. Other than that, nothing changes.

Ha has been dreaming about bringing her Dad here for a visit. That's all it means to study abroad maybe. Seeing her Dad, I miss Daddy terribly. I miss the time when all daddies take their daughters to classes on their bicycles. Daddies will wait outside no matter how late the classes run. Classes after classes. Daddies will wait, in the rain, in the sun.

I am sure when my Dad comes, he is going to say the same things, about America and the Americans, about New York and Central Station in DC. I am even sure he will bring jasmine tea and the baby lunar calendars to distribute to my friends. He is going to say nothing, but feel enormously happy inside when my friends tell him his daughter is the greatest daughter in the world.

Ha is the greatest daughter in the world. The trips to DC, NY, Vegas, and even Hawaii for the entire family are beyond anything I could plan even with my kind of income. I understand more than anything how Ha wants to spend time in Vietnam with Dad. Daddy is fine on his own, but everyone needs a woman to take care of him. Who is going to need her and love her as much? No boy is going to ever understand.

We meant to spend the night together, but the boys kept talking about politics. Cao Ha needs a lot of love right now as well. We don't need a lot of reasoning, we just want a hug. Among the three I am the most free. I have all the hugs.

Oh well why do we have to grow up? It would be so great if we don't have to grow up, ever. It is enough to see our little brothers grow up. When I look at mine I just feel enough to do whatever then die. I am so happy he has become the person he is. A little too much drama. A little too little motivation for careers and all that. But hey. If that's not his problem then it is not a problem. I wish someone can just drop everything he is doing to take care of me like how he is doing for the girl he likes. My brother is the best job I have ever done.

It's Christmas time again. I am really looking forward to a quiet Christmas. A last Christmas in Cambridge.